Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker