Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When someone trying to leave me
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
This story is comedy gold 😂
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
No Google it does not
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on