@unravelingfire: Are we sure this new planet isn't just Pluto wearing a wig?
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@FrenulumBreve: [love making] Her: [leans in] "do that thing you know I like." [i cease to exist] Her: "yeah baby."
@david8hughes: [soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."
@Whymze: [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
@gobmentcheese: I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.