Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
This will never not be funny 😭
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here