@SwedishCanary: Are we there yet?...
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@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.
@neonwario: WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler