Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
How about I get 100% off by already being there
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car