Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
This guy gets it.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!