Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
do horses think humans are hats
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
doing some research
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.