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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
birds and squirrels envy us
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.