“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.