ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You Might Also Like
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“No way.” -Jose
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.