me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you