Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Single and childfree like Jesus
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”