Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min