@shutupmikeginn: "Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses" - Every glasses ad
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@ArfMeasures: [park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread
@BackrowSeats: In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".
@blondecalamity: Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!
@GuyEndoreKaiser: If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!