“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too