@shutupmikeginn: "Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses" - Every glasses ad
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@StarksWeek: Me: "you hang up" Her: "no you hang up" Me: "no you hang up" Her: "no y-" Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."
@CoolCamel69: *catcher puts 1 finger down* *pitcher shakes head* *puts 2 fingers down* *nods* (catcher to umpire) "can we take a break? he has to poop"
@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
@o__0Dev: I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!