@shutupmikeginn: "Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses" - Every glasses ad
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@Jake_Vig: Average Guy: [writes her a song] Girl: "Yeah, whatever." Hot Guy: "Sup." Girl: "Oh my god, you're so creative!"
@LeftBlank___: She shouted "GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS" I fetched her one of her bras. Now we're not talking. Apparently.
@Heather2go: Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea
@ashlar36: Grandma: what's oversharing? Me: It's when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.