“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
channeling her this year
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.