What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.