*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog