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@Phook75: "Are you cold?"
*People who are cold*
@sweet_pea707: Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Me: What did I say?
Him: Did you hear what I just said
@chaddaniels34: Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it's the tennis kind.
@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.
@AKenyanDude: When Chuck Norris is pulled over, cops show him their IDs
@leahlovescheez: Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....