Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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As the Lord intended
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?