It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
shut up and take my money
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.