“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.