Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…