– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*