Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
All is fair in drunk and war.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.