“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare