“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I already tried new things thanks.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: