“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport