“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Doggies just call it style.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19