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@trouteyes: Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
@dafloydsta: ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What's updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
@ryaninco: I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.
@Bagyants: I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a "hauntingly beautiful blonde lady"
@AlanFelyk: To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
@junejuly12: People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old