Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.