Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul