one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah