“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material