“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My beach vacation Google searches
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog