“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?