“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️