Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.