Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
🤣🤣🤣
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
just make the entire table out of coaster
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Perfection.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…