No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
You Might Also Like
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
real
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.