“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
motivation
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up