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@iQuoteComedy: "Are you ok?" "No, I'm bleeding because its fun."
@YUCKYBOT: Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
@so_amused: 'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized'
~me talking to my KFC
@eXentRic_: Holy Communion:
PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it "
ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?"
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
@Terdoh: If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.
@radtoria: 1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice