My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Breaking news:
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.