[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Is your wife single?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I never needed anything more in my life
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.