“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.