“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are