I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You Might Also Like
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm