Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My safe word is now just a dry cough.