Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
the official breakfast of 2021
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
This is my brand.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.