Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible