I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender