@iscoff: "Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied
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@Staggfilms: The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
@PleaseBeGneiss: [paleontology class] PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct? STUDENT: uh the Jurassic? PROFESSOR: bingo! STUDENT: *smug look* PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous