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@iscoff: "Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied
@danielvisme: Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.
Me: No you didn't.
@briancthayer: [3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
@murfer28: I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk.
@trojansauce: GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.