“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
You Might Also Like
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.