“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
no cat here
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve