Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.